Sorrow

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a sorrow so great, that it is almost tangible.  i can almost hold it in my hand. for those familiar with meditation, and mind travel (astral travel? I forgot what it is called)- then you understand that feeling of your mind slipping away.

Yet with sorrow, you're not in control.  At times, it is a struggle, like trying to climb out of a well, but the rocks, dirt, or any item that you might imagine grabbing slips away and tumbles down into the big black circle beneath you. In this mental picture, you are scrambling, but are fatally unsuccessful.  Never quite strong enough to pull yourself out. Sometimes that is what my sorrow is like.

And sometimes, it is like laying still, perfectly still under heavy blankets, like you are playing hide n seek.  You lay so still, not even breathing for fear that the world will see the blankets move.   Sometimes that is what my sorrow is like too. It's funny, but I am very consciencious of my deepening sorrow.  My therapist once said that I was extremely insightful.  I think she was correct in some ways, I am always aware, analyzing, interpreting, looking for the truth.  It's pathetic how much self awareness I have, so much, that I can see my own fall.  I see the signs of someone slipping away, as if it wasn't me.


Today I am under the big blanket.  Just listening, just watching, and even waiting (for what I have no idea).  I watch as my husband moves about the house, getting the kids ready for bed.  I listen as they laugh and play, and I even smile on the inside soaking up the joy of their giggles, from my distant world. I listen to my husband leave the house, never even mentioning that he was leaving or where he was going, or even saying goodbye.  I feel sad that he didn't notice me, while I was trying not to be noticed. I promise when I leave to say goodbye.

So I lay here under my blanket, listening to my little ones play in the next room, thinking that for tonight - I would like to be a part of those giggles.  So I join them.