Another sleepless night

I lay here, as I do most nights, restless and tired, but unable to sleep.  I'd take something to help me sleep but somehow my prescription ran out, a week before my doc appoint, (sigh) I'd like to know how that happen.

regardless, i sense something is not right, not necessarily with me (lord knows i could find a million things about myself that is not right).  but something really not right, almost like the faith smell of death is lingering around my home.  I am not psychotic, nor do i halleucinate...i don't think demons are coming to get me, or indulge in any weird out-of-my-mind scenarios like that.  it's like that feeling, moms know this feeling well, like when your child is just sick, you just know.  It's instinct or your "gut", telling you something.   I don't believe that my "gut" is any way related to predicting the future or some other crazy irrational idea.   But I do feel that something is off, almost like something horrible will happen.  And yet, I'm not anxious about it, or worried.  i'm curious.  of all things to be, i'm just curious.
oh and get this...what is adding to my morbid curiousity, is that i also feel as if i know something.  like i can't remember what it is, or a memory that is unclear.   i feel as if i know exactly what this creepy shadowy feeling is all about. this is probably the 4th night in the past two weeks that i have felt this. I've tried to ignore it before tonight.   i'm going to move onto happier thoughts.  the lingering shadow discussion isn't going to have an answer, its not a puzzle, looking to be solve, its just a circumstance.


I'll think about tomorrow, about doing something special with the kids.  :) this is a big deal, for me, as with a mental illness such as mine, thinking about the future, even the next day, doesn't happen that often.  (unless of course its anxiety related).

I think i will hold onto this happy thought for as long as i can.  its is wonderful to feel something, my kids always know how to bring a smile to my face.