Downhill and so fucking close

couldn't even describe just how downhill life has gone.  but i suppose someone always has it worse.
Tonight I have sunk to a new low.
I am scared.
I'm internet searching to find the best cocktail of prescription drugs to od on.
I know that fantasizing about suicide is one of the last steps.  I was down this road 20 years ago.
I didn't write a note, at least not one that was addressed to anyone, and it didn't even make sense, it was more like an awfully written poem.
I am completely sober (which is even scarier) and can't blame this one anyone else or anything but me.
So now what?
I laid in bed tonight, my son feel asleep on his blankie on my floor so I piled on my bed between my husband and i.
I started crying.  Just thinking how much my husband hates me.  How not even a hug or kiss or snuggle or even whispered good night to me before he went to sleep.

Then looking at my angel boy who reach out in his sleep to just cuddle me.

I cried, and I cried hard

love is obvious when you see it.  And obvious when it is absent.

i cried for hours.

I tried writing, and well that didn't work.  I tried to sleep and just concentrate on the love my kids had for me.

that didn't work either.

I kept crying.  My husband kept sleeping.  i just wanted him to reach out to me.  anything just a small hand holding or something.

he laid there, he would deny it but I know he heard me trying hold back sniffles.  Because when I left the room because I was being too loud, he got up to shut off the light in the hallway behind me.
Cold.
I went back to bed, and looked at my son, (who again reaches out to me just to hold on to)  And then I thought how perfect it would be to fall asleep and never wake up, right there, looking at his angel face and knowing that there is some beauty in this world.
that made me cry harder, as the imagine of my girls waking up to a dead mommy completely sent me overboard.

So I scribble out my final babble. pulled all of my prescriptions out of the cabinet, and came here to find the perfect mix.

I know I wont do it tonight.  It's too late/or early in the morning.  It's something I would do when I go to bed, to make sure I get all the pills in my system for a long time before anyone notices.

I really don't want to die.  but I can't stop this pain.  Ive been in therapy for 4 years.  I get it.  I can't be fixed. I'm tired and I want to move on.  its my kids and my fear of death that are holding me back.  at this point i felt that fear of dying lessen a little bit.  And that scares me.

Another fucked up thought. I actually want another baby, and the thought that I won't have another one breaks my heart.  I know rationally that I am in no condition mentally to have another child.  However, it doesn't stop me from wanting one.  And it doesn't stop the hurt of knowing that won't happen.
Great more tears.
I'm going to go back to bed.  I'm satisfied that I have enough to od.  I have a dosage and mix in mind to slow down my breathing.
So now it is a waiting came.  Let's see if I can try and pull myself out of this messed up mental state before I go to the next step.  And that is a plan.